God took the challenge

I have had a less than fabulous week. The last two days have been stress filled and overwhelming.

House projects. Kids behavior. Things that need delt with before winter. My behavior. Finances.

It all hit one after another this week, nothing let up. Like waves constantly pounding at a cliff, it wore me down. Slowly, effectively. Until I cracked.

I cried. I yelled at God. I cried more.

Then I said, "Lord, I know this is all part of some plan I don't understand, and quite frankly, I'm not all that fond of. But I can not handle one more thing."

Now, God wants to hear us. He wants us to talk to him from the heart. He does!

He doesn't want us to talk to him like we are smarter than him, much like when our own children try tell us they can't do something we know they can.

Like mom's do on occassion, God took my words as a challenge.

Ran to the store for fruit and milk. The kids were crazy.

Driving home. The speedometer isn't moving.

Get home. The ceramic soap dispenser in the bathroom (that I just filled!!!!!) is broken in the sink.

I handled each one. I did not crack as I predicted. It hit me as I was thinking about the speedometer that God was showing me that I could handle more than I thought. I had to lean on Him more than ever, it was hard. But I could do it.

I know my posts have been sort of deep and emotionally driven lately. I promise Monday I will share a functional post.

Heart of a child

Parenting is hard. No shock.

You spend most your day directing, correcting, teaching, redirecting, disciplining and discovering some strange messes you need to deal with.

With multiple small children in the home this can wear on you because its multiplied, amplified and constant.

Every once in awhile you get that moment. It reminds you, even at your weariest, why you keep pressing on. It shows you that the light at the end of the tunnel may not be a train afterall. It reveals that, yes, they are getting it. Most importantly it shows you their heart.

They're not often, but they're worth waiting for. Today I was rewarded with one.

Dakota will be 4 later this month. Most kids his age (and him on more days that not) are an odd combination of selfish and loving, messy and meticulous, mean and sweet. They're not really thinking about the world beyond themselves and their families.

Today my boy asked, with great excitement, if we could take food to the food bank. He picked things out and wanted to know why we couldn't get more. He explained to everyone where the food was going and why. He delighted that his aunts joined us on the endeavor. He owned this choice to do good.

He showed me that he does understand (or is at least starting to) that while we don't have much, we have more than many. He showed me that the selfish, angry,impulsive and short sighted preschool years start fading just as quickly as they begin. He showed me true delight in serving others. He showed me a heart that wants to help. He showed me that my persistence is paying off and maybe I'm not screwing up the motherhood deal 100% of the time.

I love these days. I long for them. I need them, they recharge my heart.

These are the days that carry me through the long, weary days ahead.

Confession is good for the soul

We all have secrets. Things others don't know. Some are silly. Some are odd. Some are embarrassing. Some are quirky. Some are innocent.

Others are those "dirty secrets." The ones we don't want people to know about. They bring us guilt and shame. They tear us down from the inside. They eat at our souls and give the devil places to easily grab into our lives.

Those secrets, no matter how much we hate it or uncomfortable it makes us, need to be confessed aloud and revealed.

It doesn't need to be public or a big deal. Confide in a friend. Talk to your spouse. Ask someone you trust to pray with you about it.

This eliminates our comfort zone with this secret, this sin. It's not something we keep saying "I must have it under control, no one knows but me!" Someone else knows and we know they do! We are no longer hiding it under the rug and pretending it never happened.

You know what does happen? You have someone to confide in. Someone to talk to when the going gets rough. Someone praying for you. You have a cheerleader, even if they never say a word.

I have a friend who I asked to help me with an issue. She hasn't had to do anything yet, but I know I have help a short reach away. I have an ear to listen when I can't figure out what I should have done.

I still have secrets. A whole range of them, from harmless indulgences to quirky habits to shameful choices. Confession is the first step to healing.

I confess I have a yelling problem. It's stress and frustration induced and 10x worse since I stop smoking a few weeks ago. It's also not okay, not acceptable and not going to continue. Starting tomorrow I'll be working on better stress coping skills, yell free loving discipline and sharing this journey with you, what works, what doesn't and what unexpected things I learn along the way.

Endless Toil

YouThere is always much work to be done here. I don't think that surprises anyone.

Today I am extremely tired. Why? Well let's see what was accomplished!

5:30 wake up with coffee, Bible and prayer time
Took care of critters (all 45 of them)
pancake breakfast (which means making two kinds)
4 loads of laundry washed, hung out, folded and put away
4 rounds of dishes by hand
Ran to feed store, bank and grandma's
Vacuumed twice
Got out next size clothes for Finn
Cleaned pee off floor 3 times
Lunch, rice and bean burritos went over pretty well
Bathed Finn
Clipped all nails
Was polite to the Jehovah's witness who came to the door
Built fire cook pit in the yard, needs a little fine tuning but it works
Sorted recycling
Pulled out grown clothes from boys dresser
Found sitter for Saturday
Cleaned a bit in my room
Stripped beds
purged kids shoe bins
Made beds
Reviewed budget
Moved chicken coop
Cleaned up some scrap metal
Rounded up goats into their pen
Ice cream break because, well, we can
Gathered up supplies for 3 potato towers (kinda late, but I'm  experimenting)
Took 5 measurements to figure out rearranging some things
Nagged the munchkins to clean up their coloring mess
Made dinner, steamed the broccoli on the fire pit but had to boil the noodles inside until I tweak it a bit
Harvested zucchini, yellow squash and cucumbers
Watered garden and lawn
Kids to bed
Kitchen cleaned
Finished second baby hat for an order
Wasted time on Facebook a little at time
Took care of blog and business postings
Baked Cheyenne's cake for tomorrow

Now to shower and then head to bed! Anyone still wonder why I'm tired!?

God's Voice

God talks to us. A lot.

Like most children, we listen to half when we're doing REALLY well.

I think part of that is that God's voice doesn't always sound how we expect.

It's not all thunder and lightening, burning bushes and heavenly light.

God speaks to us where we are. If you're at church, He'll use a sermon. If you're on Facebook, He'll use a post.

If you're watching a movie, maybe he'll use a preview. Or just one line from that preview you've seen at least 500 times.

"If your attitude stinks, it means your hearts not right." ~ Alex Kendrick in Facing Giants

Pretty simple idea. But it hit me hard.

Only one person in this house has an unstinky attitude. Finnegan. He's fed, clothed, sheltered and loved. He's content. There's at lot of world he can't have, and boy does he know it! But when those explorations are cut short by mama's watchful eye, he finds contentment in what he has (or goes to find other trouble)

The 6 oldest people in this house have a lot to learn from him! And even as I'm learning, I have to teach it.

I have to model this concept of contentment (which thanks to the lack of patience God gave me in certain areas, is very very hard.) I have to model it even if I'm faking it for now. I need to practice it.

Much like thankfulness, contentment is something that when practiced really creeps into your heart. I know because I'm 900 times more content than a year ago, and for the most part all that's changed is the date.

I pray that by showing contentment to my children and helping them learn this skill, that I can watch their hearts change as their attitudes do.

I would also appreciate your prayers for me to find patience where I struggle to hold on to it.

What area of your heart can I pray for you about?

Groceries, big news and blogs

Today was grocery day.

It was also the first big gluten free shopping trip.

The kids were not on best behavior.

I was not well rested.

But it's done, I didn't even spend $250 and I got a Trader Joe Truffle Bar. Here's to hoping the remaining $150 in the food budget covers out produce for the month.

The big news of the day...

I signed papers today and my house is officially mine! I now have a deep desire to paint every room, but more practical things need tackled.

Like feeding animals, tending garden, washing dishes and mending my quilt.

Reading my newest blog obsession while mending is making things move along nicely. If you have a chance to head over to Nourishing Days and give it a read, I recommend it. They are doing what I wish I was and she states it so much better than I ever have. Maybe one day I'll reach that point, but for now this is where God has planted me. This is where I intend to bloom.

My poor neglected blog

Good thing my blog welcomes me back like the father welcomes the prodigal son...

A quick recap of the last eight weeks:

There have been lots of bunnies born and sold.

Goats are still pregnant and I clearly can not identify goat gestational phases.

Our young hens have started laying eggs... Except the Easter eggers, they're holding out on me.

Garden is flourishing! And has provided many meals.

Grocery budget has done well.

Working on reaching zero-waste status.

We're attempting going gluten free for Cheyenne's health issue. Which now makes us gluten, dairy, soy, corn, coconut, pineapple and raisin free.

Emmi is potty training.

Alex, Baillie, Cheyenne and Dakota will be attending school at the church this year while I get some things under control around here.

Purchase of the house will be final TOMORROW!

I've switched the goats and hens to store bought feed. Working on the rabbits, but there are a lot of them!

Lowering the water bill has become a high priority.

Still haven't found a new baby sitting job.

Most importantly, God is still in control.

I think that's about it. I'm purposing to a better job up dating the blog because this is something I enjoy!