This is going to be hard for me to write... it's something very personal to me... it's something raw for me...
In 1 Samuel we learn Hannah's story. How she ached for a son. How she wanted nothing more than to bare a child. How she cried out to the Lord, pouring out her soul to Him.
I may have 6 children, two of which are sons, but I feel Hannah's sorrow. I ache for another child. I want so badly to bare another child to raise for His glory. I cry out to the Lord. I pour out my soul to Him. Hannah's hurt is real to me.
Some days I feel contentment in moving on to the next season of service to the Lord. A season no longer filled with morning sickness, sleepless nights, diaper changes and cereal under the high chair. Heck, some days I look forward to everyone being a bit more independent and new adventures for the Lord can come our way.
But other days, like today, the hurt feels fresh and raw. As I watched the baby dedication at church this morning, I was so happy to see women I love, families I adore and a couple people I don't know well, dedicate themselves to raising their sweet little blessings for the Lord. Promising to bring up those Treasures for His glory. At the same time, I cried for myself, I cried for my children who beg for another sibling, I cried for the hurt I feel.
I love my children, I value each one of them. That doesn't change that I love motherhood, I love pregnancy, I love the newborn age, I love watching the kids excitement of welcoming another sibling, I love seeing them grow, I love teaching them, I love waking up with feet in my face, I love baking birthday cake at 2am, I love snuggling on the couch singing Amazing Grace in the middle of the night because someone had a bad dream and I deeply love sharing the gospel with them and seeing them share it with others. I love it all.
To have something you adore ripped away from you by someone elses choices is not easy to come to terms with. I don't know if the Lord would have ever seen fit to bless me with another child, but I know that the chance was torn from my hands. I struggle with unforgiveness for that at times, but mostly....
I pray like Hannah
I find myself falling to my knees in the shower, in the kitchen and even in the deep piles of unending laundry. I cry to Lord for the children I feel He's placed in my heart but not my womb. I beg Him to find someway to bless me again. I weep for all the things that are coming to an end to quickly.
Whatever the Lord places in your heart, pray like Hannah.