Monday, January 28, 2013

My you have your hands full

Anyone with more than 3 kids knows, when you leave the house you're going to hear a few questions and remarks...

"Are they all yours?" No, I love taking extra kids to the store!
"My you have your hands full!" Better full than empty!
"Don't you know what causes that?" Yes, and I seem to be good at it.
"Don't you own a TV?" If you think TV is more fun, you're doing it wrong!
"Better you than me!" I'd have to agree.
"Are you insane?" Not yet, but if people keep asking personal invasive questions I will be.

But not once has anyone asked me WHY... Why do I have 6 kids?

Well, that is a story of conviction that I would like to share with you and this story perfectly showcases how absolutely stubborn I am. It's a good thing the Lord never gives up on us.

I'd love to say the answer was a simple "While we were engaged we agreed to leave all matters in the hands of the Lord, including the womb." That answer means a lot less pain in my life. Truth is I wasn't saved, engaged, or at all open to the idea of someone else controlling my life when I found out I was pregnant with my first. I was happy but angry. Babies are great and all, but I was on the pill and had only known my boyfriend a few weeks.

We did the "right" thing and got married. After Alex was born I started using the birthcontrol patch. Only to discover that when my sweet baby girl was only 3 months old, I was once again pregnant. There were a lot more emotions this time... I knew how much work this was going to be, I hadn't even gotten to sleep the night again, and *surprise* my husband wasn't exactly a real prize. I was happy because I knew how wonderful motherhood was, but I was also scared, felt betrayed by my body and was really mad...

I started joking that clearly I was just created to make babies, but I still tried to prevent another child after Baillie. This time I tried an IUD. Shortly after discovering I had concieved again, I miscarried.

I was just angry. I was angry with a God I had placed no faith. Angry that He would let this happen to me. Angry He would take my baby. Finally, angry I hadn't trusted Him.

If I thought God had the power to ignore my attempts to control my life and He could circumvent birthcontrol so that I concieved maybe this guy deserved some respect. I became what I now call a "lukewarm Christian". I acknowledged His exsistence and that He had a great deal of power. But I still didn't show Him much respect and I certainly still maintained that I was the one in control of my life.

When the birth control ring failed, I welcomed Cheyenne with more excitement than fear or anger... but I was still upset that God did this to me! I wanted more time, I wanted time to myself, I wanted a lot of truly selfish things and God kept giving me babies that made those things so hard achieve! I loved them, but I was still waiting for what I really wanted.

Of course, with all that anger also came the feeling that I am in control of this. Dakota is the result of nursing and the mini pill "failing". After Dakota was born I finally started going to church and actually reading the bible. I started to be more than lukewarm for the Lord.

When I discovered Emmilynn was on the way, I was thrilled to recieve another blessing! Sure, I hadn't planned her and the Deop shot should have prevented her exsistence but I was so excited to welcome her! And actually I bit sad that she would probably be my last child... I mean, the van was full and we're not those crazy people who end up on TV!

Oh, how the Lord worked in my heart after Emmilynn's birth! I had never disagreed that children are a blessing but I had over and over told the Lord through my actions that I was blessed enough and knew better for my life than He did. Who did I think I was!?

I spent a long time trying to find some bible passage to back up my desire for control... because that's what I wanted and everyone seeks what they desire. I never found what I was looking for.

I found time and again the words surrender, abandon, sacrifice, follow and the resounding truth that every child is a blessing and the Lord is the only one with control over the womb. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I talked to my husband.

And I resolved to never again take that control into my own hands, I will leave that power to the Lord where it belongs. No matter how scared, fearful, angry or displeased I am with the path the Lord leads my life down at any given time, it's His choice because my life is His.

A lot of people have commented since my husband left me over a year ago, that at least I don't have to worry about getting pregnant again. My heart breaks that Finnegan may be my last child. That I may concieve only one son through complete surrender to the Lord.

I want to be blessed by my heavenly Father and children are a prized blessing!

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